If the Shoe Fits
by snape'smistress-in-law
Summary: Reg Shoe has been summoned to teach at Hogwarts for no discernable reason and until he can get back to the Discworld he'll have to deal with moody teenagers including a werewolf, a vampire, and a depressed ghost.
1. Chapter 1

**If the Shoe Fits**

**A/n: Dedicated to my camp friend, Lauren, because I definitely wouldn't have written this if she wasn't anticipating it.**

Prologue: Somewhere Else

Reg Shoe didn't like it here. He had only been here ten minutes and he didn't like it here. For all its faults, he liked Ankh-Morpork; it had his home, the Fresh Start Club, the Watch. His grave was there, everything was there. There was nothing here for Reg Shoe, yet here he was.

He wasn't exactly positive where here was, only that it wasn't Discworld it was- Somewhere Else. Reg had been dragged here by a Spirit Being; Spirit Beings came from Somewhere Else. Not this Somewhere Else, a different Else. And none of them had names, they had initials carved onto their forehead; they were vaguely human-shaped, all female, and transparent. They were odd. Even to Reg, who had been dead for over thirty years they were odd.

One had come in the middle of the night in July 31 to Elm Street and asked Reg if he wanted a Job Opportunity, her hair curling into balls and bouncing back out again. He had said that he was happy with the job he had with the Watch, but she had taken him anyway. Spirit Beings never listened.

So here he was, Somewhere Else.

o0o

June 1 presented a Job Opportunity. Hogwarts had an opening for a Defense Against the Dark Arts and apparently they wanted a man with no qualifications whatsoever. But a Spirit Being had brought him and Dumbledore knew she had a reason. He'd be important somehow.

o0o

Regulus Black was a small, pensive boy who liked to go about in his own world. A few people were under the impression that he was insane, and some even thought the poor child was "quite mad" but that was only because they didn't have the Key to his world. A couple of people managed to get the Key, though, like Sirius Back, though he must of put it down somewhere, and he was sure he didn't know where, and Milliam Rotzinger.

Milliam Rotzinger was a Lost Soul. She had lost her mother and hated her father and was generally regarded as a trouble maker. But she had the Key to Regulus' World and she liked to hang out there.

An outsider might make the mistake of thinking that the two of them were waifs that weren't very happy and were very forgotten, but they would be wrong. Regulus was too high-class to be a waif and both he and Milliam were happy in their own way.

Regulus never talked unless you had the Key or you directly asked him a question, in which case he give a complete but brief answer and fall silent again. But that wasn't why everyone was thought he was insane, it was because he had the feeling of a ticking time bomb and you were just waiting for it to go off. He made people nervous.

Milliam was a dark girl and, as previously stated, a trouble-maker; she was the sort to pick fights all the time. She was always in fights, though usually it was the other persons fault for saying something about Regulus. Not necessarily mean things because everything everyone but Milliam said about Regulus was meant to be mean.

Milliam was the sort who liked a good time. Regulus was the sort that made you think "Him, her? No way!" But she had the key and he always let her in.

**A/n: Please forgive me if you think this was boring or repetitive or stupid. I'm not very good with this story, but I had to write it.**


	2. Chapter 2: Diamonds

**If the Shoe Fits**

**A/n: Meant to mention this. This is dedicated to my camp-friend Lauren, who introduced me to the Disc. And Reg Shoe, especially.**

Ch. 1: Diamonds on the Souls of Our Shoes

_People say she's crazy, she's got diamonds on the soles of her shoes,_

_Well that's one way to lose these walking blues,_

_Diamonds on the soles of her shoes._

-"Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" by Paul Simon

ooo

"Hello and good morning, I am Professor Shoe and vitalism will not be tolerated in this classroom."

"What the hell is vitalism?" a dark-haired boy asked then added, "Sir?"

"Vitalism is prejudice against the vitally challenged, or the undead. And swearing will not be tolerated either."

"Why the hell not?" the boy asked, causing a few people to snigger. The boy sitting next to him slapped him upside the head. "Sorry sir," the dark-haired boy said. "Why the hell not, _sir_?"

Remus sighed and put his head in his hands, wondering what had happened to his life. He used to be so _normal_. "Because," Reg was saying, "this is my classroom and I said so. Anyway, I have no qualifications for this job, I don't know what in the world I'm supposed to be doing, and Mr. Dumbledore just told me to let you work it out on your own."

The dark-haired boy, who was of course Sirius Black, grinned maniacally. "This is great!"

Remus raised his hand. "Yes?" said Reg thinking _'That's the werewolf right?'_

"Your kidding, right sir?" Remus asked hopefully.

"I'm afraid not. Mr. Lupin, isn't it?"

"Yes sir."

_'Not a hard name to remember,'_ Reg thought. "No I'm not kidding. I don't even belong in this universe, I just got put here."

While Sirius and James were looking delighted, Remus looked horrified. James Potter grinned. "You don't have to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, then. What _can _teach us, Professor Shoe? And you're a zombie, right?"

"Well I can't really teach much. And yes, I am zombie."

"How'd you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Be a zombie."

"You make it sound like it was a terrible accident," Reg said, affronted. "I died in the Glorious Revolution of May 25 and then sort of…became a zombie."

"Well, I've never heard of that revolution," James said. "On your world, Professor?"

"Yes, the Discworld. What's yours called?"

"Er-Earth? Why don't you teach us about the Discworld, sir?'

"Because this is Defense Against the Dark Arts," Remus said, appalled. "And we need to prepare for N.E.W.T.s!"

"Don't be such a spoil sport Moony!"

"Yeah Rem, old Dumbly wouldn't have let us sort it out if he didn't know we'd be alright," James said. "Besides last year Professor Culton said we'd be fine to go on to our N.E.W.T.s even though we were only just ending our sixth year. We're that good," he added to Reg. "And we've had bum teachers before."

One of the girls in the front grinned. "Yeah, remember Professor Lindung?" she said.

"Yes," said the girl next to her. "We learned nothing. And I don't think that's an excuse to let it happen again, James."

James smiled charmingly. "We'll be fine. There's only the five of us. And Snape, but he doesn't count. He's not here today and no that is not my fault thank you very much Remus and Lily."

Lily and Remus exchanged glances. Then Lily shrugged and Remus sighed in resignation. And the other girl, Christie Colin gave Sirius a high five in pure celebratory delight. "So Professor Shoe," she said. "Tell us more about vitalism…"

And that was how Reg Shoe began. A few classes showed him the books they were told to buy and he taught the best he could from that, a few others merely did what they wanted and most tried to teach themselves and did so surprisingly well and maturely for a group of teenagers.

o0o

Milliam sat on the couch next to her boyfriend. It was funny, she thought, that no one ever really referred to Regulus as her boyfriend, not even herself usually. It was just one of those things that everyone knew but nobody spoke about. It might have something to do with the fact that everyone was scared of her because they knew what she was capable of, and everyone was scared of Regulus because they didn't. Milliam liked that and settled into like an old and well-worn coat. She turned to Regulus and smiled. "Hey Reg."

"Hey, Milliam," he said, smiling back. But there was worry and unhappiness lurking somewhere beyond that smile.

"What's up?" Milliam asked.

"Sirius," Regulus responded, true hurt in his voice. Most people didn't dare taunt Regulus, but the people who did didn't have much affect. It was only Sirius, who knew every handhold in Regulus' Wall who could manage to really get through Regulus' defenses.

"Oh," Milliam said, knowing better than to say something silly like, "Don't let him get to you" because he _did _get to Regulus and nothing you said was going to magically make that not so. So instead she tried to cheer him up.

**A/n: Sorry if this is bad…I didn't have time to look over it a million times… **


End file.
